A small Christmas reflection

Hello all,

It’s been a minute or two since I’ve regaled you with the shenanigans that comprise my humble life.

I’ve been well.  It’s been birthday season in my world, so I’ve been busy celebrating that for the past 7 days, but never mind. More on that later. I know that everyone’s busy enjoying the Christmas season and focus is elsewhere.

Speaking of Christmas…

I have been watching my budget VERY closely and haven’t really been to the mall in a few weeks. I went there for the first time last week. I realized how conditioned my body was to Christmas music. I was at the store and then I was immediately taken in by the decorations, the sparkling, twinkling, blinking tiny lights on the green garlands hanging ever so casually all over doorways and staircases. Then I noticed the uniforms of the mall workers: some wearing festive red vests, some wearing Santa hats tilted roguishly to the side. Everything was shiny and on its best behaviour. The mall was ready to get people to part with their money. It was go time. I saw people leaving with big bags of STUFF. I don’t know what was in the bags, but I wondered if it held anything special, anything that couldn’t be bought another time of year or if it needed to be bought at all. I looked at the spatula that had ‘Jingle Bells’ printed across the flat teflon, presumably for Christmas-only food preparation. I saw a man leave with 5 foot stools. I wondered what those were for – why five? why now?

It was so interesting to me. Being in the mall and not having money to spend and not willing to go into debt to get stuff was like being the only sober one in the bar (which I have A LOT of experience with anyway, so I know). This piece is not about passing judgement or anything because only he who has never been shopping on December 24th shall cast the first stone! Because I don’t have cable nor listen to Canadian radio regularly and am not bombarded with “Buy! Buy! BUY NOW!!” with every turn, I walked into the mall quite disconnected from the anxiety and, I guess, excitement. For me, it’s just a trip to the mall, except that it’s WAY busier and there is a lot more stuff available.

Having said that, though, I was at a store this week and it was quiet in the aisle where I was and I could hear the Christmas music and like that instinct that takes over to move your waist when a good soca song comes on, I felt to put something in my basket. In that moment, I remember experiencing that involuntary feeling of wanting to buy something, anything, because it was Christmas. How strange! Was it like that this whole time? Interesting…it felt like wanting to eat popcorn at the movies…but you don’t even like popcorn. You know what I mean?

Anyway, the point is that Christmas is about love and about sharing smiles and hugs and good times with others. Sure, it’s about the presents and excitement, but it’s also about intangible things like gratitude and family and love.

That is all.

40 is the new old..or so it seems to me

Okay, so two things: Christmas is on its way, so is my birthday. I don’t want to get all sappy or anything, but I’m kinda freaking out about the big 3-7. I mean, seriously. I’m getting old enough to be somebody’s mum. I mean, not like a small child’s mum, which I am, of course, but like an adult’s mum. I’m NOT into that! Sheesh!

I had this grand plan of a big celebration and whatnots, but this year, it’s not gonna happen. I’m not in the mood to celebrate being old, thank you very much! I find that because I look younger than I actually am, I don’t really have to face the fact that I’m inching closer to 40 and away from 35….except on my birthday! Grrrr…annoying!

I think also, with the whole online dating thing, I had to choose an age range of men who I will be interested in and I chose 35 – 42. That means, I look at pictures of men with salt and pepper hair and wrinkles. That’s fine for them, but last year, someone asked me if I was Kidlet’s sister! To me, grey hair and wrinkles feels like a lifetime away, when in reality, it’s probably 5 years from now for me. What the heck?! How can it be? Sigh. As a guy I met a year or two ago said to me and laughed before he knew how old I was, “Age is just a number unless it’s more than 30!” He was 27 and thought I was his age.

This birthday for me is not about what I haven’t accomplished or what I don’t have or specifically WHO (and I know it should be whom here, but I think it sounds pretentious albeit correct!) I don’t have, it’s about facing the fact that I’m getting older. It’s facing the fact that even if I look like 25, I’m still almost 40. SO ANNOYING! A friend of mine says that I shouldn’t round up, but I have to start making peace with 40 real soon because apparently ready or not, here it comes! It’s in the distance, but its on the way! Sigh.

Calm the f*** down!

Yesterday I was what someone I knew considered to be ‘freaking out’ about something and he just said to me ever so calmly, “Why don’t you just calm the f*** down?” The words arrested me. They stopped me in my tracks. After that bucket of cold water had washed over my anxiety, I said to him, “Thanks! I needed to hear that!” Okay, so it’s not commonplace for me to be talked to like that but I certainly wasn’t offended by any means. I think there are times when we let our thoughts take hold and begin a whirlwind and we need to hear, “STOP!”

Any time I think about thoughts going too far, I ALWAYS think about the Las Vegas experience. It happened years ago, but I still think about that as an example of me needing to calm the f*** down!

A guy I was seeing for a few months had a trip planned to Vegas with his best friend. I’ve never been an insecure girlfriend/wife, so I didn’t really mind. I wished him a good time and off he went to Sin City for four days, I think it was.  I got texts from him the morning of, on the way to the airport, while he was waiting to board and a couple when he got there. Then I got nothing! I didn’t think much of it. I’ll be the first to talk about roaming charges, so I thought he was being smart. Then the second day passed. Still nothing. I had texted him, but got nothing in return. Then ensued the worrying. “Did he get there? Is he okay? Did he meet someone else? Why hadn’t I heard from him?” I slowly started working myself up. I’m not going to lie to you. I called his hotel in Vegas. Oh yes, I did. Turns out, the hotel had never heard of him OR his best friend. Then I really started to freak out. I started questioning if he really did go to Vegas and if not, where the heck was he?

Day Three: nothing.

On the fourth day, I get a message from him on Facebook. “Hi babe, I lost my phone in Vegas. Call my work. I don’t know how to get a hold of you.” Turns out, he lost his phone on the first day – first day Vegas shenanigans, of course. The room was in his friend’s friend’s name – they had gotten some deal or something, which, of course I didn’t know. Also, nobody knows anyone’s phone number by heart anyway, so how else would he have gotten a hold of me except through Facebook?! All I remember was thinking at the time, “That makes sense. Duh!” Compounded with the fact that I have NEVER had any trust issues AT ALL where he was concerned, so it wasn’t even rational. After talking with him and him stressing out about having to get a new phone, I realized I was long overdue for a “Why don’t you just calm the f*** down?” I just couldn’t let my mind run away with itself. Geez!

If you remember my banana bread story, you’ll know I have anxiety issues, so when I’m told to smarten up, it helps me put things in perspective. I need more of that in my life.

This Monday’s resolutions!

Good morning!

I noticed that this will be the 120th post to my blog! Astounding!

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Ours was fun. I’m so much happier when I’m with Kidlet! Siiiigh. We had a marathon birthday party at friend’s, I baked a banana bread, we went to the park for play time and a walk through the gardens and I sent my Christmas cards to print. I started a book last night, so that’s the best ending to a weekend, well not THE best ending, but a pretty good ending anyway. ;)

This week is a short work week for me. You know what short work weeks mean: compress five days of work into less days. Fun! :( There is a sweet reward at the end of the compression though: fun with friends, meeting new people and dancing kizomba all day and hopefully all night for a few days. Very exciting! It’ll be well worth the crunch I’ll be under in the next few days.

This Monday, I’m resolving to be happy:

1. Take my lunch break every day and read while I eat my lunch because when I’m reading I’m happy.
2. Braid my hair in a cute style for the weekend because when I look good, I feel good.
3. Listening to Feels good by Rahsaan Patterson every morning because that song and the smile in his voice when he’s singing makes me smile.
4. I will try to choose the things to stress about rather than stressing about everything because stressing about things I can’t change is pointless.

Life will be good this week because I will make it so!

Have a super great week ahead everyone!

V

Happy Friday!

Hello again,

So I’m back! I’ve been giving some thought to my new label. I haven’t really come up with anything conclusive. I accept that I’m not spontaneous, but I don’t really know if I have a way of changing it. Do I even want to change it? I’ll continue to think about it. See what I come up with.

On another note, so far my Monday resolutions went well. With this post, I’ve posted three times and I put away all my laundry, except for our socks. That’s Kidlet’s job – to pair them up. While you would think it’s an easy task, from the complaining and whining that takes place, you’d think his mandate was to find matching needles in a haystack! Ack! Now he’s taken to wearing mismatched socks. Hmmm…I think I actually started that trend, so it’s not really his fault. Matching socks is not a high priority in our house, but it’s the principle, I guess.

The only thing left on my list is that unpleasant letter that I have to write. Sigh. We’ll see if I get to that today. It’s uber depressing and I don’t need any help in that department. Having said that though, I feel much better this morning than I did a couple days ago, heck better than I did last night. I did some soul searching and I’ve come to the root of my sadness. Now all I have to do is figure out how to fix it!

Oh, I also forgot to mention that my blog turns 1 year old on December 1. Can you believe that? I’ve been writing consistently for a year. How extraordinary!

Anyway, I want to try to get to work early today…okay, on time! I have to still pack my lunch and get myself together.

You have a great Friday and an even better weekend!

Bye-bye! :)

V

My new label

Funny story, well not really funny. More like pathetic.

I was putting back on my belt the other day and I noticed that I had put it on the wrong way. Instead of pulling it to the right to tighten, I had somehow put it on so that I had to pull it to the left. I stood there puzzled for minute or so thinking, “How come I put it on ‘wrong’?” then I thought, “This feels weird!” then I thought, “That’s interesting that I’ve never done that before,” and I kept thinking about it. Then it hit me. I am in a rut. If changing my belt provided all that introspection, heck the fact that I even noticed something so trivial, it means that I don’t have that much on the go! It’s kinda sad, right?

The point of telling you this is to discuss an adjective that was hurled across a dinner table at me the other day: spontaneous. Friends and I went out for dinner and we got to talking about my upcoming trip to the Salsa Congress and I brought up the fact that it’s a few days away and we don’t have the workshop schedule yet. Someone was saying that there’s still time. I was saying, but it’s less than two weeks away! Then my friend says, very innocently and, of course, it was her own personal opinion, “You have to understand. She’s not very spontaneous.” I had never heard that about myself before in all my years. I looked at her and then looked at myself and I thought, “That can’t be true, is it?” How does one get a new label at the age of 36.92?

I took those words home in my mind and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It’s funny when you see yourself from a new perspective. I know I have control issues, but it’s hard not to when you’re responsible for another person and living your life without a safety net. It’s hard to be frivolous and foolish when you have to take care of two people’s tomorrows. I didn’t see it as a criticism, it’s just something about myself that I have never considered before. I started thinking about situations that might validate this assessment. I found more and more examples of me holding back. I can’t help but laugh, even now, because it seems preposterous that someone as spunky as me could not be spontaneous.

Then it clicked in. While I may not be spontaneous, I am easy going. Wait, that’s not strictly true either. I can get a little high strung. Hmmm…so maybe I don’t know myself at all! hahaha…isn’t this weird? I have always had a perception of myself in a certain way and now I’m questioning everything. I’m definitely not a fuddy duddy and I am definitely adventurous. That I know for sure. I guess I’m not adventurous AND spontaneous. I would think they would go together, but I guess in my case, they don’t. I would definitely travel on my own or go to places I’ve never been before or do things I’ve never done, but not on a whim – I’d have to plan it first. Hmm…I think I’m starting to see who I might actually be here.

Perhaps, the actual adjective is not as important as what it meant to me at this time in my life. Maybe hearing and digesting it is a catalyst for introspection and making a conscious decision to be the person I want to be rather than the person that I HAVE to be. I don’t want to be one of those people in their late 60’s thinking about the things they wanted to do but didn’t. I’m not talking about regret, I’m talking about being the person you WANT to be before the opportunity slips away. Maybe a little spontaneity is just what I need to get out of this funk – to get out of the routine and structure that is my life.

Okay, so this begs the question: how does one plan to be spontaneous?

This Monday’s resolution!

Hello boys and girls,

Monday is here again. I’ve made a resolution this week. I want to get back on track with more regular writing. I know I have fallen off the wagon here. I’m still around, but I’ve been struggling to find motivation and excitement lately. I’m in a funk. I’m letting the weight of my troubles hold down my ankle instead of swimming to the surface as I usually do. Until I get out of this funk, it seems impossible to come online and write a wonderful, funny, insightful piece worthy of your time and the energy it took you to click this link! (Hmmm..that last sentence felt a little dramatic! lol)

Don’t you ever feel sometimes that being an adult is just not worth it? Like, being independent or being responsible is just not feasible. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or my impending birthday or the prospect of Christmas on my own again or what it is. Some days, it hardly seems worth the effort getting out of bed to go to work or cook dinner or even get dressed. We all have those days sprinkled throughout the year. For me lately, they’ve been happening more and more frequently. A fact that I’m not happy about.

Photo taken by Vikera Hunte. Please do not copy without permission.

Photo taken by Vikera Hunte. Please do not copy without permission.

Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. I’ve started online dating AGAIN. (So far, it’s in the positive column!) Well, to be accurate, it’s not exactly dating since I haven’t received messages from anyone I want to get to know more. I have also only send two messages, neither of which were replied to. Meh. I think I’m just doing it to say I’m trying to change my current situation. As I explained to friend yesterday, the way I’m online dating is like I’ve cast my line in the lake, tied my rod up to a tree and I’ve gone off to the mall. Technically, I’m doing it, but am I really? lol We’ll see what happens. Oh and I had the consultation for my new tattoo. Very exciting! I’m very much looking forward to it.

I’m going to drag myself up to the surface! Mondays are great for a fresh start!

Having said all of this, this Monday, I resolve to accomplish the following:

  • Post two more pieces to this here blog
  • Put away all my laundry
  • Write the unpleasant letter I’ve been avoiding

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead. I’m determined that you’ll hear from me soon! In the meantime,

I’m going to give this whole adult thing my best shot! ;))

V