You know what? When I read my diary, it’s like watching the gears turn in the back of a watch. I see myself as I am today so clearly on the pages on those ink-stained books. It’s fascinating to see how little I have changed in the course of almost two decades. My views on love still seem to be the same. Does it mean that I haven’t grown in all those years or does it mean that despite the ups and downs, I have been able to hold onto an untainted view of romance and love?
The themes of my entries for about five years are crushes, pining and staying a virgin. Every entry was on one of those three.
In my diary, I write about my many, many crushes! Boys, who I liked over the years, range from tutors to classmates to co-workers. None of them are physically alike – meaning I don’t have a type. I was and am still primarily attracted to something intangible when it comes to men. I guess I have always found value in compatibility more than physical attraction. I write about a genuine smile or kindness or gentleness or a sense of humour. That much hasn’t changed. I still maintain that physical attraction can change over time, but the characteristics of a person stay the same and the thing that brought you together will keep you together!
I also seemed to have spent many years pining. Pining for someone to love me, pining for happiness, pining to be complete with another person. It doesn’t really make much sense since I didn’t actually crush on guys who were interested in me. Ha! I seldom seemed to like guys who liked me back. What’s up with that? Maybe it’s a fear of intimacy? Maybe it’s a fear of being hurt. I go for what I know I can’t get so I can’t be hurt. Crushing on someone who doesn’t want you is definitely safer and infinitely more exciting than crushing on someone who thinks you are the sun! Reciprocity opens the door to hurt and panic. I am still like that today. If I make eye contact with someone across the room, if he only gestures as if he may walk over, I’m in the washroom hiding out in 5 seconds flat! Sigh.
What I do like is that as a young adult and now, I seem to be clear as to what I want out of a relationship. In those pages, I see a person coming of age with a clear understanding of morality and equality that still holds true today. I wrote about not wanting to be pressured to go ‘all the way’.
I can’t stand a guy who brags about his sexual capabilities. It annoys me. For example, every guy I know seems to think they are the hottest things on legs. Worse if they know I’m a virgin. They always try to convince me that they could get me to go all the way.
I never did succumb to the pressure, which shows my strength of resolve. Well, I’m no longer a virgin, but I do still stand for what I believe regardless of outside pressure.
So what does this all mean? I guess it means that I’m true to myself over the years. I have the same values and expectations. The only difference is that while I was younger, it seemed urgent to fall in love. Now I see that while at times I do have that sense of urgency, I know now that it’s better to wait and be happy. Well, after all the angst in my twenties, I did eventually get married and had a beautiful child, so it all turned out okay (minus the whole divorce thing!). Maybe this round of crushes, pining and almost virginity (Sigh.) will be just as good!