Why can’t I just sleep…..

….and dream about being chased my monsters like regular people?

Yesterday morning, I woke up in a really frustrated mood. I don’t know why. Sometimes, I find things fester in my mind overnight, so by the time I wake up, I’m stirred up nice and good. I lay there in bed after waking up thinking about my life. I was thinking that no matter how busy I get or how good I feel or how happy I am, about 5% of myself feels lonely and has a deep longing to share my life with someone special. It’s always there. Thankfully, it’s not a feeling that supersedes my enjoyment and I’m able to (thus far) live in the moment and don’t start thinking in ‘what ifs’. Then I sighed.

When I get in that pensive mood, more often than not, I start thinking about the usual. I think, how is this all going to work? What if I do fall madly in love with a man and he doesn’t fully appreciate all that I have to offer? I’ve heard many stories about women being taken for a ride. Stories where strong, confident women who have been single for a while, finally meet someone they connect with and these men walk in, take what they want and leave behind disillusion and disappointment. Then I got mad. I thought in my best Trini accent, “I can’t be waiting so long for a man for him to come in here and play the fool!”

What resulted from my 15-minute pondering was this FB status:

I hope it is crystal clear that I’m not looking for a man just to make up numbers at the dinner table. I’m looking for a partner, friend and a damn hard worker!

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love and maintaining respect and trust is what will separate the men from the boys. Men work. Boys play.

I think the more I wait, the more pressure there is for things to go smoothly. I don’t just want a partner, I want a GOOD partner and I’m worried that there’ll be too much pressure when the time comes. As I said, I go on living my life, raising Kidlet, going to work, spending time with friends, writing, playing, LIVING, but under it all, there’s a soft hum of anticipation and anxiety. I try not to worry about the future, but it happens. I’m just glad it doesn’t happen all the time. Usually, something happens to trigger a cascade of emotions and then it’s gone.

What I know to be true is that I can’t fabricate a person, I can’t MAKE someone compatible fall in love with me, I can’t stop wanting a partner, but I also can’t pretend that I’m perfectly fine on my own, so I wait.

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2 thoughts on “Why can’t I just sleep…..

  1. Paul DeAbreu says:

    i very much enjoyed reading your Blog, it is very inspiring , sometimes it takes a while to truly know and accept who we are , we all go through adversity and all deal with it in different ways, but the reality is we only have 2 choices learn to accept and deal with it or allow it to consume us, you are a strong and determined person , I have always believed that every thing that happens to us is a lesson in life, what we learn from it is up to us,

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