One is the loneliest number

What’s going to be my winter hobby?

A few months ago, Kidlet’s Dad and I changed the way we shared our time with him, so now we have full weeks on and off. It means that I’m away from my child for a long time, but then I get to be with him for a long time. Now what that has meant to me is that we spend quality time together, playing games, having dinner together, and just being a family together. The flip side to that is when he’s away, I have enough time to get out of Mummy mode and I’m just a single woman, rambling in our home with nothing but time on my hands. The evenings, which were usually filled with board games and healthy dinners, turn into movie marathons and a bowl of cereal.

Usually in the summer, I can get motivated to go out and be productive, meet up with friends or, at the very least, do laundry! Now that it’s dark at 6, it’s harder to get momentum in the evenings. I find myself working late to avoid coming home to dark and empty house. I have to get out of the funk. I have to find a class or something to take. It seems imperative at this point. It’s not about finding a partner, although I think that would help, but it’s about finding myself as a person.

How many of you mothers would know how to fill 7 days back to back if you were periodically relieved of all of your motherly duties? It’s because I know I’m not only a mother. It was the same way when I got married and moved to Canada. For a long time I felt like I was just a big sister and when I moved away from my brothers, it felt strange not having a gang of people to take care of, but then again, I was a wife, so that redefined me and I focussed on that. Having said that, earlier this year, I found out that I’m not cut out to be a Stay-At-Home-Mum either. So I’m back to square one. I’m saying all this not to feel sorry for myself. I’m saying this because I find that I keep circling back to this point.

And I’ve been at this point before, essentially wandering in the desert, but I just suppressed it and moved on with my life. Joining the gym was a flop. Perhaps taking some kind of class might be a good way to go, but what class? Blogging helps – having the commitment to write and focus my energy on creating good posts is a good thing. I just think it’s uber distressing not knowing who I am in isolation. I’ve always prided myself on being self-aware, but I can’t seem to get a handle on this. I’ll find it. I know I will, and when that happens, “Watch out!”

Maybe it just comes right down to be lonely and being alone. It could be just as simple as that.

Nevertheless, it’s the restlessness….

Sigh.

*****Back to my regularly scheduled programme*****

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