I still need her…

I never thought I would say those words. I never thought I would feel this way. I had been dreading it. I was able to avoid it this whole time – it’s almost been 6 years – but finally, I said it, “I don’t have a Mum.” Sigh.

Now that I’m dating an adult AS an adult, I’m faced with things that I am not completely comfortable with honestly. I don’t feel sure of myself. This isn’t a teenage romance. This isn’t easy. There are so many things to consider: me, him, his children, my child, scheduling, blending of the families, everything. Not just externally, either, but in my own mind and heart. It’s challenging. There are so many ways things that can go wrong and get sidetracked. New Boyfriend and I do talk A LOT about everything and try to do right, but still, there are no guarantees and we don’t feel sure about everything all the time. We’re just doing the best we can. Remember when you were young and you meet someone, you like them and then you’re just ‘together’, the end. Those days are over! hehehe

Now is the time I wish Mum was still here, you know? I don’t know what it would be like and honestly, the person I am today is actually because she hasn’t been here, so if she was here, would I be me and would I be in this situation? I don’t know. All I know is that with this new relationship, I want to do the right thing and I want to make good choices, but how can I be sure? My mum often seemed to know what the right thing was…not always, but often.

I was talking to a coworker about New Boyfriend and she was literally GRILLING me about him and us and I thought, “Whoa!” The funny thing is that it’s been a long while since anyone actually gave a damn in that way. The way only a mother can: the no holds barred, I don’t care if it’s private, I still want to know way. It reminded me then that I don’t have a mum to help me get through this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good, but it’s very delicate to do it properly. I don’t have a mum to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing. I do have people in my life who love me and we can talk about things and New Boyfriend and I do talk about things all the time as well, but you know, Mummy would have been alllllll over everything, asking the hard questions.

Ultimately, though, it’s he and I that are in this relationship and while it’s good to get advice, it’s up to us, but I can’t help but want her as a sounding board.

I know it’s going to come up again. What if I get remarried, what if I have another baby, what if so many things…she won’t be here.

It’s good to know that she’s still in my heart and I fear all the time that I’ll forget and I’ll go on living without her, but the fact remains that I do still need her. I do still wish she was here and I do still want to hear her laugh.

Hmmm…

I press on.

Vikera

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